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From Anonymous

Almost one year since that night, and no days pass when I don’t feel the weight of it crushing me. I was drunk and made a stupid mistake. My da, with all his connections and the clout of our family, swept it under the carpet. Quiet erasure of my mistake from everywhere but my own conscience.

Now I am living in my posh Irish family where appearances matter more than the truth. The guilt is gnawing at me, every feckin day. It’s like I’m carrying this huge boulder on my chest that’s getting heavier with each passing moment. I’m drowning

I can’t look at meself in the mirror without remembering that night. How do you live with that? How do you wake up every day knowing what you did and just continue? The depression follows me. Some days, it’s all I can do to get out of bed. The laughter and lightness I used to feel are gone, replaced by this emptiness.

I’ve tried talking to my da about it, about how this secret is tearing me apart. But he just claps me on the back and tells me to man up, to move on. He just says it’s handled,. But it’s not handled, not for me. The nightmares, they haunt me. I see it replayed in my dreams.

It’s not just the nightmares, though. It’s the everyday moments, too. Passing by the place where it happened, I’ve thought about owning up to what I did. But then what? ? Will it give me peace, or just spread the pain?

I’m stuck, trapped by my my family’s decisions. I’ve started seeing a therapist, talking out my thoughts. It helps, a bit.

My life now is just hiding from the truth I don't know if will ever forget it.

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